Right now, I should feel like the happiest girl in the world. I have a new boyfriend, I'm at uni, I've got a job, I have money yet something's just not sitting right with me. I feel tired and moody and emotional most of the time. I have no motivation to get out of bed most mornings. I'm skipping uni, I barely see my friends, I'm barely eating properly. What's wrong with me? I have no idea. Yes I've had a really bad cold for the past two weeks but I shouldn't feel this bad.
I sit and cry quite a lot for no apparent reason like just now. Like just the littlest things will set me off. I argue with my mum, that will make me cry. I gain a couple of pounds in weight, I'll cry. I'm so stressed out about everything that I just don't want to do anything. The problem being is I know I'll get even more stressed out if I leave everything until last minute but I never learn. I've been balancing lectures, uni work, actual work, my boyfriend, my friends, my family, my Performing Arts society at uni, exercise and god knows what else for so long now that it's all gotten too much. But even now that I only work weekends or that I barely exercise or that I never see my friends, it still feels like too much. I schedule every day and still have no time. That's when I just curl up in a ball and cry.
I'm such an organised person yet I feel so disorganised all of the time. My diary is planned perfectly every day, I know where I have to be at what time. Nowadays I feel like the only time I get to myself is when I see my boyfriend. I have to make time for him because it's new and I'll lose him if I don't. The only time when I'm truly happy is when I'm with him. He helps me forget about my busy life for a couple of hours and helps me relax and just really be in the moment and I love him for that. He puts up with a lot of my shitty moods yet loves me unconditionally for all of my flaws.
I really just need to find some motivation from somewhere. University is the main issue. The issue is I hate it. I just hate it. I find the modules interesting, I just hate going to uni. I don't think it helps that I know exactly what I want to do when I leave and it's over a year and a half away. But I'm paying £9000 a year so I can't quit now. I won't quit. I make a to-do list every week of what work I need to do and just never have the energy to complete everything. This semester I promised myself I'd be organised and get my work done and my essays started early yet I haven't, at all.
The fact that I hate my job isn't helping either. Well I don't hate my job, I hate some of the people there who talk down to me as if I'm about 12. If I was the youngest there, I could understand but I'm not. I've been there since April last year so nearly a year now, and they still treat me like a newbie as if I don't know how to do my job. Certain people there make me feel so small and irrelevant and unwanted that I would love to just pack the whole thing in but I need the money.
I've started arguing with my mum on a daily basis now. We used to be very close but right now, every single little thing is annoying me. Even my dad is at breaking point. It doesn't help that we plan on putting our house up for sale soon so there are a million and one little jobs that need doing and my mum has been no help whatsoever even though she's the one who moans that nothing ever gets done.
I know I will get through this funk eventually, I just hope it's sooner rather than later. And also to those who are thinking about going to uni, really think about it and consider your options. If I'd have really researched my future career and found the course I want to do after uni before I'd applied for uni, I would've chosen that or got a full-time job somewhere. Obviously some careers require a degree but quite a lot don't. They require drive and passion and dedication, those aren't things you can learn on a degree programme. Uni is 3+ years for most people, it's a lot of money so it's one of the biggest decisions you'll ever have to make.
This post is a way of releasing all the stress that has been built up inside me for a while and maybe this will allow me to relax more. And don't mistake me having a rant for me being ungrateful. I am so blessed to have such an amazing family and friends and boyfriend who stick by me no matter what. I love them all dearly, I just distance myself from people when I'm not in a good place so I don't bring them down with me. And if anyone has any tips about de-stressing or anything, please let me know!
I totally agree with everything you have said! I have been in the same situation for the past years and at the moment, with all the work piling up, I do feel that this is the worst decision that I ever made. I know we don't talk as much and are not as close as we used to be but I am always here if you need someone to talk to, rant to or just a shoulder to cry on!
ReplyDeleteSian - A very open and honest post - good on you for posting. I may be way off the mark here but it does sound as if you have a mild case of depression. Possible caused by the stresses and strains you are going through. It may be worth having a word with the doc just in case as they can help even if its not depression.
ReplyDeleteLook after yourself